Peace With Myself

I was doing meditation this last couple weeks. Then I have realized that I could not push myself to be someone else and I can't live in someone else's life. Sometimes in life you probably agree and disagree with someone. Life is not easy.

Then I decided to be myself. Peace with myself. Do what I want to do.

And I have made my own schedule to studying... I love this article Don't wear someone else's shoes

I have been praying for this

Jatuh Dari Motor - Dua Hari Perenungan

Kamis yang lalu, aku jatuh dari motor. Peristiwa itu menyisakan bekas luka bakar dan lebam dari pertengahan paha hingga ke pergelangan kaki. Selama dua hari itu aku beristirahat dari segala macam aktivitas. Dua hari itu membuatku banyak berpikir.

Jujur, saat ini aku mencapai titik jenuh dalam hidupku. Aku tidak tahu mau berbuat apa? Hidup segan. Mati pun tak mau. Aku lelah dengan hidup yang menguras emosi. Mengendapkan pikiran dan perasaan di dasar hati. Menumpuk dan menyebabkan rasa sesak.

Aku ingin memaknai hidupku. Berarti buat orang lain. Aku ingin hidup bukan di bawah bayang-bayang dan tatapan penilaian orang lain. Aku ingin berbuat sesuatu akan tetapi otak ini terlalu pandir untuk diajak berpikir. Aku ingin berbagi sesuatu tapi kadang berharap akan balas rasa dari orang lain. Memberi tak seharusnya mengharapkan terima kasih bukan?

Ini hari terakhirku beristirahat... Mengendapkan rasa. Mencoba memaknai hidup... Mencoba bertahan, melawan arus. Sambil bertanya mau ke mana aku selanjutnya?

Semoga Bukan Mimpi-Mimpi Pudar

Sebelum menutup hari ini, aku menerima pesan dari seorang sahabat dari masa kuliah dulu. Dia mengatakan sudah semakin mantap dengan pilihan masa depannya. Sekarang dia sudah mulai menjalani kursus dan proses orientasi untuk pekerjaan pertamanya setelah menjalani masa internship usai lulus menjadi dokter.

Aku juga sempat melihat-lihat facebook teman-teman dari masa kuliah dulu. Salah seorang mentor yang sangat kukagumi saat kuliah termasuk di dalamnya. Aku sangat mengagumi dan bangga padanya. Melihat foto-fotonya serta kabar dari sahabat waktu kuliah dulu membuatku tertampar. Mengapa? Karena aku masih labil seperti ini. Belum tahu apa yang aku inginkan untuk spesialisasi nantinya. Masih bermalas-malasan dan membuang-buang waktu percuma. Sepertinya latihan disiplin yang aku terapkan tidak berhasil.

Mengenang masa lalu berarti kembali diingatkan akan mimpi masa muda. Ketika aku masih muda belia dulu, aku sempat bermimpi mengenai masa depan seperti apa yang ingin aku jalani. Hampir sepuluh tahun berlalu, mimpi itu masih ada akan tetapi kemalasan serta ketidakdisiplinan terlalu kuat.

Aku masih ingin mewujudkan mimpi tersebut tapi rasanya takut tidak mampu.

Aku masih berharap dan berdoa semoga mimpi-mimpi tersebut Bukan Mimpi-Mimpi Pudar

Aku ingin menutup hari ini dengan senyuman dan secercah harapan akan hari esok yang lebih baik.

Aku masih ingin bermimpi dan mewujudkan mimpi

Last Words

Kemarin malam aku bermimpi tentang dirinya. Mungkin hal itu disebabkan aku sebelum tidur memandangi foto-fotonya. Ya. Aku rindu padanya. Ini pertama kalinya aku kembali merindukannya setelah sekian lama tidak pernah memikirkannya lagi.

Aku tahu aku tidak boleh memikirkannya. Aku tahu tidak boleh merindukannya. Aku tahu tidak boleh jatuh cinta padanya. Karena dia bukan milikku. Walaupun begitu dalam hati ini kembali ada kenyakinan bahwa aku akan bersamanya. Aku tidak boleh lagi melakukan bahkan sampai memikirkan apapun tentang dirinya.

Malam ini aku kembali memikirkannya. Tidak sengaja aku menemukan fakta bahwa dia memang sebaik yang aku pikirkan. Hanya saja aku tidak boleh.

Untuk terakhir kali dan sebelum semuanya pudar, aku ingin mengatakan, "Aku cinta padamu."

Selamat berbahagia...

Respon Hati Yang Benar

Beberapa hari yang lalu, aku membaca tentang Wanita yang Lebih Muda (baca di sini Wanita yang Lebih Muda) dan Wanita yang Lebih Tua (baca di sini Wanita yang Lebih Tua). Aku sangat terberkati dengan tulisan-tulisan tersebut.

Selama ini aku hidup menurut apa yang menurutku baik dan walaupun tahu mengenai Firman Tuhan akan tetapi seringkali tidak mengindahkannya. Begitu juga ketika aku mendapat teguran dari mama mengenai bagaimana caraku memberi respon terhadap sesuatu. Apa yang sering mama nasehati sama persis seperti apa yang dikatakan dalam tulisan tersebut. Aku jadi ingat dengan pernyataan seorang dokter spesialis anak yang selama ini membantuku belajar tentang "Orangtua Selalu Benar" (baca selengkapnya di sini Orangtua Selalu Benar). Aku benar-benar terkejut. Kenapa? Karena mamaku secara waktu tidak begitu lama kenal Tuhan dan bila dilihat dari tingkat pengetahuannya tentang Alkitab, aku mah jauh lebih pintar dari mama (kok jadi sombong yah), tapi mama itu sangat bijaksana banget. Aku sangat terberkati karena punya orangtua yang menjagaku dari segala pergaulan buruk walaupun saat itu mereka belum kenal Tuhan.

Hari ini aku mengamat-amati kelakuan orang-orang dan bagaimana cara mereka berespon terhadap sesuatu. Hmm... Aku berharap dapat belajar memberikan respon yang benar...

Orangtua Selalu Benar

Beberapa hari belakangan ini aku sedang belajar mengenai bagaimana cara menghadapi pasien yang benar. Proses belajar ini dibantu oleh seorang relawan dokter spesialis anak konsultan endokrin. Setiap hari beliau akan memberi masukan terhadap bagaimana aku bersikap kepada pasien, mulai dari memperkenalkan diri, anamnesa, pemeriksaan fisik, pemberian terapi dan lain sebagainya.

Ada satu hal yang paling berkesan dalam proses ini, yakni pernyataan beliau bahwa "Orangtua selalu benar." Jadi jangan pernah meremehkan respon orang tua terhadap kondisi anaknya meskipun kadang kala menurut kita itu terlalu berlebihan dan kadang tidak masuk akal. Mengapa seperti itu? Karena orangtualah yang paling memperhatikan dan mengerti mengenai anaknya.

Suatu pernyataan yang sederhana akan tetapi memberi dampak yang besar.

Ketika merenungkan kembali pernyataan tersebut, aku kembali diingatkan akan betapa jahatnya responku terhadap orangtuaku sendiri. Bukannya mendengarkan malah membangkang. Hmm... Bagaimana ketika aku nanti menjadi orangtua dan anakku bersikap kurang ajar padaku seperti yang aku lakukan pada orangtuaku sendiri? Pastinya aku akan sedih sekali...

Jadi, aku berjanji pada diriku sendiri untuk bersikap baik pada orangtuaku sendiri. Memberikan respon yang benar dengan hati yang benar...

Terima kasih papa mama yang sudah membesarkanku. Bersikap sabar terhadap kelakuanku yang jahat ini.

Tiga Peristiwa, Satu Hari

Hari ini ada dua hal yang sangat memberkatiku.

Pertama adalah sharing seorang teman yang tetap memuji Tuhan dan tidak menghujat/menyumpahi orang yang telah merampok dan merusak mobilnya.

Kedua adalah tulisan seorang teman tentang "Pemburuk". Tulisannya bisa dibaca di sini
http://majalahpearl1.blogspot.com/2014/09/si-pemburuk.html

Kadang... Dalam hidup banyak sekali hal ataupun orang atau kejadian yang membuat hatiku panas sehingga ingin mengeluarkan amarah dan sumpah serapah. Setiap kali aku mencoba untuk bertahan, mengatakan ingin memaafkan, akan tetapi dengan kemampuan sendiri aku tidak mampu. Pada akhirnya aku menyerah dan berkata, Tuhan, aku tidak mampu. Tolong ajari agar aku bisa mengampuni orang yang berbuat jahat padaku. Engkaulah yang menjadi hakim atas aku dan mereka.

Malam ini, seperti biasanya kami ada acara kumpul, makan bersama dan cerita-cerita. Hasil percakapan itu membuatku menyadari mengenai

Segala jalan orang adalah bersih menurut pandangannya sendiri, tetapi Tuhanlah yang menguji hati.
Amsal 16:2

Saat menulis blog ini ada seorang adik kelas yang curhat mengenai masa lalunya. Mengenai penyesalannya. Percakapan malam ini bersamanya mengajarkanku untuk ketika mengampuni, tidak ada lagi kata penyesalan. Mengajarkanku untuk move on dari masa lalu

Even The Past...

Tonight I got lecture from endocrinology pediatrician about how to taking history from the patients. She is one of my fave teacher. Taking history is not only about recently complaint but also past medical history because past medical history sometimes is related with.

Believe or not. Like or dislike. Sometimes in our life, we try to forget about the past. Sometimes we try to rid out our past but we forget that PAST PLAYS THE MOST IMPORTANT part in life. Who we are now is a product from the past. Past always follows us in the future.

What I learn from this... Cleanse your past with the Christ valuable blood then face tomorrow

Aku dan Kamu, Aku dan Tuhan (Semoga Bukan Ilusi)

Hembusan angin yang beberapa waktu belakangan ini terasa dingin meremukkan tulang, malam ini terasa hangat. Aliran hangat tersebut menemaniku dalam perjalanan pulang dari klinik menuju ke rumah. Berbagai macam hal berkeliaran liar dalam benakku. Ada dua hal yang menggangguku belakangan ini.

Seorang teman berkata padaku, "Ada dua hal yang tidak boleh didoakan untuk pasangan hidup. Pertama, tidak seiman. Kedua, sudah punya pacar/tunangan." Perkataan ini mengganggu sekali. Aku tahu merupakan hal yang salah apabila mendoakan pacar/tunangan orang lain, dan sudah berusaha untuk merelakannya tapi bagaimana caranya mengkompromikan pikiran dan perasaan? Dia sudah tidak pernah lagi kusebut dalam setiap doa-doaku. Sekali-sekali dia muncul dalam setiap lamunanku tanpa bisa dicegah.

Hari ini di gereja untuk kesekian kalinya aku mengajar sekolah minggu kelas remaja. Hari ini kami belajar mengenai "Hal Mengikut Tuhan." Sungguh... Pelajaran ini menohok tepat di jantungku. Terasa sakit. Tuduhan-tuduhan pun kembali menderaku karena selama ini ternyata aku masih naik turun dalam ikut Tuhan. Aku masih belum konsisten/disiplin ikut Tuhan. Masih banyak penyangkalan diri yang aku harus lakukan. Masih banyak salib yang yang harus aku pikul. Masih banyak kebiasaan buruk yang harus aku tinggalkan.

Perjalanan dari klinik terasa singkat. Tetesan air perlahan berjatuhan dari langit. Mungkinkah ini hanya ilusi semata. Seperti juga ilusi bahwa sebenarnya dia pun punya perasaan sama kepadaku. Bukan sekedar memberi harapan yang tidak pernah menjadi nyata. Seperti komitmen-komitmen yang aku nyatakan kepada Tuhan. Apakah aku juga memberikan harapan palsu kepada-Nya? Apakah aku pun sama sepertinya?

Peluh membasahi sekujur tubuhku terasa ketika aku memarkirkan sepeda di tempat penyimpanan sepeda. Bersama-sama dengan keempat sepeda lainnya, dia akan menghabiskan malam bersama dengan aman karena kukunci sebelum memasuki rumah. Mandi. Itulah yang akan kulakukan selanjutnya.

Tubuhku telah disegarkan dengan sejumlah air yang tidak seberapa di bak mandi akibat kelangkaan air di rumah ini. Ketika aku menulis blog ini, aku mendengar tetesan-tetesan air turun deras dari langit membasahi tanah yang memberi kehidupan kepada pohon-pohon yang menghijau di Gunung Palung.

Oh ternyata aku tidak menghayal. Hujan ini bukanlah ilusi. Aku pun berharap yang terjadi antara aku dan kamu bukanlah ilusi. Aku berharap apa yang terjadi antara aku dan Tuhan pun bukanlah ilusi.

Week IX-X : Day 57-63 Change My Heart First

Sometimes I feel... God, before I hate someone, blame someone, hurt someone, do terible things please change my heart first and pray for them.

God, this is my prayer

Change my heart oh God,
make it ever true.
Change my heart oh God,
may I be like You.
You are the potter, I am the clay,
Mold me and make me, This is what I pray.
Jesus oh Jesus
Come and fill your lamb 

Week VIII-IX Day 49-56 : I Am Blessed

Sky is not always blue
Sometimes there is no stars above
Ocean has a storm and high tide

Life sometimes badly treats me
Tears hides behind my smile
No one even cares

Then I kneel down
And lift all sorrow in me
Rainbow after the rain
Remind me about God's promise

He always walks with me

I am blessed

Week VI-VII Day 43-48 : I Have Been Missing Him So Much

Almost five months he came back to his country. Since that day I have been missing him so much. I hope he will come back soon.

Week VI Day 42 : Two Kids

Today is our last day to work before Idul Fitri holiday. Like usually, every Friday, one of our staff comes with his wife and kids. His wife also is our staff. And she had appointment with our dentist.

She has a beautiful three months baby boy. When I was baby sitting him, he always cried if I sat. But he stopped crying when I was cradling him in stand up position. He is very heavy and made my arm stiffness. Hahaha... Maybe I should learn to cradling baby first...

And also that staff has daughter, the older one whom is seven year old. She is spoiled and active child. She made me crazy for hours and refused to came back to home. She wanted to stay with me. Hahaha... Maybe I should learn to teach my kids next time to be a self reliance...

Lesson for today : Become a mother is not an easy. I should learn more.

Week VI Day 41 : Life is A Vapor

Today we received a saddest news about one of our colleague. He died because of car accident. And he is still young. That news made me thought about this scripture...

Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” ¹⁴ Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. ¹⁵ Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” ¹⁶ As it is, you boast in your arrogant schemes. All such boasting is evil. ¹⁷ If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them. James 4: 13-17 NIV

Yeah... Who will know man life? Life is a vapor. It will go anytime. And I want to share also another scripture...

Psalm 90

A prayer of Moses the man of God.

¹ Lord, you have been our dwelling place
    throughout all generations.
² Before the mountains were born
    or you brought forth the whole world,
    from everlasting to everlasting you are God.

³ You turn people back to dust,
    saying, “Return to dust, you mortals.”
⁴ A thousand years in your sight
    are like a day that has just gone by,
    or like a watch in the night.
⁵ Yet you sweep people away in the sleep of death—
    they are like the new grass of the morning:
⁶ In the morning it springs up new,
    but by evening it is dry and withered.

⁷ We are consumed by your anger
    and terrified by your indignation.
⁸ You have set our iniquities before you,
    our secret sins in the light of your presence.
⁹ All our days pass away under your wrath;
    we finish our years with a moan.
¹⁰ Our days may come to seventy years,
    or eighty, if our strength endures;
yet the best of them are but trouble and sorrow,
    for they quickly pass, and we fly away.
¹¹ If only we knew the power of your anger!
    Your wrath is as great as the fear that is your due.
¹² Teach us to number our days,
    that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

¹³ Relent, Lord! How long will it be?
    Have compassion on your servants.
¹⁴ Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love,
    that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.
¹⁵ Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,
    for as many years as we have seen trouble.
¹⁶ May your deeds be shown to your servants,
    your splendor to their children.

¹⁷ May the favor^[a] of the Lord our God rest on us;
    establish the work of our hands for us—
    yes, establish the work of our hands.

Week VI Day 38-40 : Love Grows Slowly (I Give Up)

25 years ago my Lord introduced himself to me and still love me until now. For 25 years, He has never been giving up on me. Again He has been proving his love to me. He is very patient. He has been still waiting my love to grow. And...

After 25 years... My love grows slowly.....

Thank you Lord for waiting...

Week VI Day 37 : On The Way To Clinic

4 days ago, when I was biking to clinic, I saw woman whom rode motorcycle with her daughter. Then I heard that little girl whispered verses of Quran. They discussed about verses of Quran. That made me wonder. A beautiful moment when a mom teached her children.

And slowly, I remembered this scripture...

But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord. Joshua 24:15

 Lord, if one day You give me an opportunity to have my own family, I will teach my children about You. I will teach them about Your love. Amien...

Week V Day 36 : Yes I Do

"Promise me you'll always remember : You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think."-Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh

Yes... I do...

Week V Day 34-35 : Amazing Love

I'm forgiven, because You were forsaken
I'm accepted, You were condemned
I'm alive and well, Your Spirit is within me
Because You died and rose again

I'm forgiven, because You were forsaken
I'm accepted, You were condemned
I'm alive and well, Your Spirit is within me
Because You died and rose again

Amazing love, how can it be
That You my King would die for me
Amazing love, I know it's true
It's my joy to honor You
Amazing love, how can it be
That You my King would die for me
Amazing love, I know it's true
It's my joy to honor You 
In all I do I honor You

I'm forgiven, because You were forsaken
I'm accepted, You were condemned
I'm alive and well, Your Spirit is within me
Because You died and rose again

Week V Day 31-33 : Because She Would Ask Me Why I Loved Her.

If questioning could make us wise
no eyes would ever gaze in eyes;
if all our tale were told in speech
no mouths would wander each to each.

Were spirits free from mortal mesh
and love not bound in hearts of flesh
no aching breasts would yearn to meet
and find their ecstacy complete.

For who is there that loves and knows
the secret powers by which he grows?
Were knowledge all, what were our need
to thrill and faint and swertly bleed?

Then seek not, sweet, the If and Why
I love you now until I die:
For I must love because I live
And life in me is what you give.

Christopher John Brennan

Week V Day 30 : An Afternoon Conversation

This afternoon, I and friends had a conversation with one of our medical volunteer. She (our medical volunteer) said that when she was single, she hoped that she would married soon and had a lot of children. She dreamed about nice conversation while they (family) was having meal. They could shared thoughts together. But when she has married, life wasn't like what she expected for. She had busy life and dinner wasn't as good as what she dreamed about. They argued each other. And for life, she had to worked hard. She said that for female doctor, you should sacriface for your family. You should become a woman, mother and also wife. Wake up in the morning and go to sleep late in the night. Life is not as easy as you expect especially when you married.

This afternoon conversation make me realize that I have to prepare myself for married life. And the best time is when I am single. After read Lady in Waiting, I thought that I should have a great relationship with my Lord before I get married. I should spend more time with Him. Being a single is the best privilage. Although, I still dream to have my own family. And still praying. But... I think I want to enjoy my time now.

Thank you Lord for everything. For this last days when You have teached me a lot. Thank you for shaping my characters. Thank you for repent me. Forgive my sins... Thank you lead me back to You...

Thank you for loving me...

Week V Day 29 : The Gift

I watched again A Perfect Stranger movie. And it made me sure that the best gift in my life is Jesus Christ.

Week IV Day 27-28 : My Best Friend

Jesus is my best friend. He provides everything for me

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
2     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3     he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,[a]
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever. Psalm 23 (NIV)

Week IV Day 25-26 : Two Are Better Than One

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4 : 9-12

I don't know why but this day I considered about two are better than one. Sometimes I need a friend who can understand me and also support me. Before, I think I can live alone but now I think that I need friend to live and love me

Week IV Day 23-24 : Poker Face

Last this two days, I just have thought about poker face. Sometimes we meet people who is nice but inside their heart they are hypocrite. And it makes me think, should I be like them too?

Week IV Day 22 : Still The Same

Stuck in... Hiks... This night I am evaluating my commitment but... There is no changing... 

Week III Day 21 : I Put Him on God's Hand

I miss him. Really miss him. I love him. Really love him. I just met him once and for a month. I don't know anything about him. Is he the one for me? I don't know. I want to know him more. That's way I put him on God's hand.

Week III Day 18-20 : Surrender

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:11-13

Week III Day 15-17 : Missed Morning Devotion And Prayer

Last this three days, I woke up late and missed morning devotion and prayer. It made me sad. I still keep try to be a Lady in Waiting

Week II Day 13-14 : In Time With You

In time with you actually was a Taiwanese drama serial about friendship between woman and man. They met when they was in high school. And their friendship still continue and become more deep.

This Sunday, I want to spend my time to know You more my Lord. I want to build my relationship with You. I want to have quality time with you. I want to love You more.

After many things happen, and I met a lot of people, I realize that just You and You who love me more 

Week II Day 12 : A Conversation

Last night I had a conversation with friend. He said he has sixth sense. Also he told about his worries especially at work and about something... I don't know, could I believe his or not. But his statement made me love Jesus more and more...

Week II Day 11 : A Checklist Men, Lady and Best Friend

A week ago (maybe), I forgot the exactly time, I had a chat with my friend. We discussed about men whom look like "a godly men". And actually they are not really "a godly men". Why I said they are not "a godly men"? Because they are an arrogant about their spiritual life. The worst is they made a checklist for their spouse criterias and everytime they meet a woman, they are going to check the list.

This afternoon, I talked with one of my friend about this men. He said that what they have been doing was not good. What made me sad was he is worldly man (based on his facebook pictures). He loves party, alcohol, etc. So, if worldly man could said like that, what are a kind of that "godly men"? Are they really a godly men? I don't know.

Sometimes, a worldly man can look like godly man and opposite. Where is a godly man?

Now I am talking about LADY...

A minutes ago, I had a conversation with housemates. We was talking about one of our medical volunteer while a rain started. She is a very good doctor, mom, and wife. Ya... I wish that someday I would be like her. But if I wouldn't be, I wish that my life will satisfy my LORD. I still pray and try hard. Someday, I would be a godly woman. I have been starting with this journal. This journal is my commitment.

Best Friend...
I love to making friend. I wish that before I pass away, I could know a lot of people. But most of it, I wish I have a best friend. Someone who can accept me, love me the way I am. I don't way but this morning, suddenly I remember about this song...

"What A Friend We Have In Jesus"

What a friend we have in Jesus,
All our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
Everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit,
O what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry
Everything to God in prayer.

Have we trials and temptations?
Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged;
Take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful
Who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness;
Take it to the Lord in prayer.

After what happen to me this days, make me know who is my truly and truthful best friend. I can take all my life to the Lord in prayer

Week II Day 10 : I Am Not A Lady Now But Would Be

A couple days ago when I was in Ketapang, one of my friend, an emergency resident English gentlement, he was looking at me when I ate ice cream. The ice cream was melting down and he said like this to me "You are not like elegant lady."

I have not been trying to blame him by this post. This is just my reflection.

When I heard this, I was going to change my characters. I would be a great lady. Hahahaha...

I am happy because this morning I woke up earlier than before. I didn't miss morning devotion and pray. And everything was okay.

I wish this will continue forever...

Week I-II : Day 6-9 : Trip

This afternoon, I cameback from Tanjung Puting trip with ASRI kids. It was so much fun trip actually but not with annoying kids. There was one kid who such a drama queen and also impolite boys. And I won't my kids become like them.

After this trip, I figured out what kind of mother and wife I should be. Also what kind of man that I should marry. What kind of my kids will be, I think it depend on what kind of mother I am. So, from now I want to learn how to be a mom and wife.

Before I can be a great mother and wife, the first thing that I should learn is how to love and serve Jesus Christ, the first in my life and heart.

I can't wait for next wonderful journey with Him...

Week I : Day 5 :

Wow.... I don't what I should write for this 5th day. Missed morning devotion and prayer again....

Week I : Day 4 :

Yesterday, I had a lot projects to do so I missed to wrote this journal. What I learned that day was...

Resusitation... Fluid... Hahaha... I love how dr. Ewen teached me how to organize my mind. To find my study method. But what made me feel sad was I missed morning devotion, pray. 

Week I : Day 3 : Fail

I have failed my commitment for two days... Hiks... Then I have hoping this day 3rd would be success. 

Checklist 1  : morning devotion and pray -> woke up late then missed it

Checklist 2  : ontime for teaching -> yeah... I didn't miss it. Okay it was good

Checklist 3  : focus in tutorial and clinic -> hmmm... just a little bit but is was okay. I will try it tomorrow

Checklist 4  : sloppy -> still

Checklist 5  : pray before study -> okay it work

Checklist 6  : procrastinate -> I hope it will not be happen this time. I will do my assignment a soon as possible

Checklist 7  : night pray -> I will do that

Okay... So the conclusion : Day 3 is fail. So wish tomorrow will be okay

Week I : Day 2 : Stay in Commitment

This is not actually my second day because when I was writing a journal, it was after midnight but never mind I can count it as second day. Hahaha...

You know what is hard for me? Stay in commitment because I am more easy to distract with anything. Like this morning when I woke up you what time it was? Five. Then what I did? I continued to sleep. It wasn't good. Then I had no time for morning devotion and pray. Oh my God what did I do?

Okay... Stay in commitment Yuli...

Then the other stupid things I did also were haven't finished my assignments, couldn't concentrate when we did patient round.

Week I : Day I : A Commitment

Introduction :
This is a silly commitment that I make. Hahaha... I don't know why but two or three days ago suddenly I had thought to read "Lady in Waiting" book again. I have already read it maybe a year or two years ago. Then a hour ago I decided to write a journal about what I learn from that book. I am going to practice a lesson from every chapter. So write a journal then evaluate my progress... Practice one chapter per week...

This is my first day in first week...

Stop... Stop Yuli. Don't ever think about him again. Don't open his facebook or email him. Don't... Don't... Don't... Get rid him out from your head and heart. Start a new relationship with my Heavenly Groom.

So... I will start a new day and close it with Him. Put Him on the top positition in my life. Be wise with every single word that I speak and be nice to everybody. Also I will pray regularly.

Today I also learn from great teacher how to tell a bad news to patient and/or family.

Because He First Loved Me by Fanny Crosby

I’m trusting, only trusting
In Jesus day by day:
I feel His presence nearer,
While pressing on my way;
My soul is full of glory,
And this my song shall be:
I love my blessed Saviour,
Because He first loved me.

I’m trusting, only trusting
In Jesus ev’ry hour,
Who saves me by His mercy,
And keeps me by His power;
I’ll publish His salvation
Wherever I may be;
With all my heart I love Him,
Because He first loved me.

I’m trusting, only trusting
My Saviour’s hand to guide;
I know His grace sufficient,
And ask for naught beside;
My soul is on the mountain,
My home beyond the sea:
O bless the Lord! I love Him,
Because He first loved me.

Chorus:
Because He first loved me.
I love Him, I love Him,
Because He first loved me:
I trust Him, I trust Him,
Wherever I may be.
My soul is full of glory,
I sing because I’m free;
I love my blessed Saviour,
Because He first loved me.

God hath not promised skies always blue by Annie Johnson Flint

• God hath not promised skies always blue,
  Flower-strewn pathways all our lives through;
  God hath not promised sun without rain,
  Joy without sorrow, peace without pain.
• But God hath promised strength for the day,
  Rest for the labor, light for the way,
  Grace for the trials, help from above,
  Unfailing sympathy, undying love.
• God hath not promised we shall not know
  Toil and temptation, trouble and woe;
  He hath not told us we shall not bear
  Many a burden, many a care.
• God hath not promised smooth roads and wide,
  Swift, easy travel, needing no guide;
  Never a mountain, rocky and steep,
  Never a river, turbid and deep.

Take the World, But Give Me Jesus! by Fanny Crosby

Take the world, but give me Jesus,
All its joys are but a name;
But His love abideth ever,
Through eternal years the same.

Oh, the height and depth of mercy!
Oh, the length and breadth of love!
Oh, the fullness of redemption,
Pledge of endless life above!

Take the world, but give me Jesus,
Sweetest comfort of my soul;
With my Savior watching o’er me,
I can sing though billows roll.

Take the world, but give me Jesus,
Let me view His constant smile;
Then throughout my pilgrim journey
Light will cheer me all the while.

Take the world, but give me Jesus.
In His cross my trust shall be,
Till, with clearer, brighter vision,
Face to face my Lord I see.

The Old-Fashioned Way by Civilla D. Martin

They call me old-fashioned because I believe
That the Bible is God’s holy Word,
That Jesus, who lived among men long ago,
Is divine, and the Christ of God.

Refrain

My sin was old-fashioned,
My guilt was old-fashioned,
God’s love was old-fashioned, I know;
And the way I was saved was the old-fashioned way,
Through the blood that makes whiter than snow.

Old-fashioned, because I believe and accept
Only what has been spoken from Heav’n;
Old-fashioned because at the cross I was saved,
At the cross had my sins forgiv’n.

Refrain

Old-fashioned, because I am bound to do right,
To walk in the straight narrow way;
Because I have given my whole life to God,
Old-fashioned because I pray.

Refrain

Old-fashioned, because I am looking above
To Jesus, my glorified Lord;
Because I believe He is coming again,
Fulfilling His holy Word.

Refrain

Make A Different

This is my first post in June. Yeah... This evening, I visited a small village near Gunung Palung with friends to socialized our programs : health and conservation. Powerpoint and videoclip were the media that we were used. I was impressed with my friend presentation. Health and environment are two component that related each other. We will have healthy life if our environment is protected.

On the way back to our house, I was contemplating about that presentation. I thought about how precious my work as a doctor. This job can save people life from suffering because of diseases and also make people feel love.

This presentation gave me a new insight to study hard and seriously with my life. I hope I will have a meaningful life. I am praying for this programs. I hope this programs can save people and also environment not only now but also in the future.

Broken Road

I gave my housemate a ride to dock this morning. She will go to Pontianak for symposium. The way was not easy because it was a broken road. In the middle of the road, suddenly I was taught about my experience with canoe... A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor...

Like that broken road sometimes we struggle with uneasy life but one thing that I wanna say...

A smooth road never make a great worrior

Via Dolorosa - Sandi Patty

Down the Via Dolorosa in Jerusalem that day
The soldiers tried to clear the narrow street
But the crowd pressed in to see
A Man condemned to die on Calvary

He was bleeding
from a beating, there were stripes upon His back
And He wore a crown of thorns upon His head
And He bore with every step
The scorn of those who cried out for His death

(chorus)
Down the Via Dolorosa called the way of suffering
Like a lamb came the Messiah, Christ the King,
But He chose to walk that road out of His love
For you and me.
Down the Via Dolorosa, all the way to Calvary.

Por la Via Dolorosa, triste dia en Jerusalem
Los saldados le abrian paso a Jesus
Mas la gente se acercaba
Para ver al que llevaba aquella cruz

Por la Via Dolorosa, que es la via Del dolor
Como oveja vino Cristo, Rey, Señor
Y fue El quien quiso ir por su amor
Por ti y Por mi
Por la Via Dolorosa al Calvario y a morir

The blood that would cleanse the souls of all men
Made its way to the heart of Jerusalem.

Down the Via Dolorosa called the way of suffering
Like a lamb came the Messiah, Christ the King
But He chose to walk that road out of His love
For you and me
Down the Via Dolorosa, all the way to Calvary.

Read more: Sandi Patty - Via Dolorosa Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Blessed Assurance

One day I was watching TV. While I was changing channel, acidentally I saw documentary about Fanny J Crosby... Actually, I always like hymns that she wrote... One of my favorite hymns was Blessed Assurance... And I want to share it's lyric. And someday when I frustated I can hear this song and I hope everybody who hear this song will be blessed

vs.1
Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine!
O what a foretaste of glory divine!
Heir of salvation, purchase of God,
Born of His Spirit, washed in His blood.

Refrain:
This is my story, this is my song,praising my Savior all the day long;this is my story, this is my song,praising my Savior all the day long.

vs.2
Perfect submission, perfect delight!
Visions of rapture now burst on my sight;
Angels descending bring from above
Echoes of mercy, whispers of love.

(Refrain)

vs.3
Perfect submission, all is at rest!
I in my Savior am happy and blest,
Watching and waiting, looking above,
Filled with His goodness, lost in His love.
(Refrain)

I am Blessed

For the director of music. Of David the servant of the Lord. He sang to the Lord the words of this song when the Lord delivered him from the hand of all his enemies and from the hand of Saul. He said:

I love you, Lord, my strength. 

The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield and the horn of my salvation, my strong.

I called to the Lord, who is worthy of praise,
and I have been saved from my enemies.

The cords of death entangled me;
the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.

The cords of the grave coiled around me;
the snares of death confronted me.

In my distress I called to the Lord;
I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came from him, into his ears.

The earth trembled and quaked,
and the foundations of the mountains shook;
they trembled because he was angry.

Smoke rose from his nostrils;
consuming fire came from his mouth,
burning coals blazed out of it.

He parted the heavens and came down;
dark clouds were under his feet.

He mounted the cherubim and flew;
he soared on the wings of the wind.

He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him-
the dark rain clouds of the sky.

Out of the brightness of his presense clouds advanced,
with hailstones and bolts of lightning.

The Lord thundered from heaven
the voice of the Most High resounded.

He shot his arrows and scattered the enemy
with great bolts of lightning he routed them.

The valleys of the sea were exposed
and the foundations of the earth laid bare
at your rebuke, Lord,
at the blast of breath from your nostrils.

He reached down from on high and took hold of me
he drew me out of deep waters.

He rescued me from my powerful enemy,    
from my foes, who were too strong for me.

They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the Lord was my support.

He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me.

The Lord has dealt with me according to my righteousness;
according to the cleanness of my hands he has rewarded me.

For I have kept the ways of the Lord;
I am not guilty of turning from my God.

All his laws are before me;
I have not turned away from his decrees.

I have been blameless before him

and have kept myself from sin.
 
The Lord has rewarded me according to my righteousness,
according to the cleanness of my hands in his sight.

To the faithful you show yourself faithful,
to the blameless you show yourself blameless,

to the pure you show yourself pure,
but to the devious you show yourself shrewd.

You save the humble
but bring low those whose eyes are haughty.

You, Lord, keep my lamp burning;
my God turns my darkness into light.
 
With your help I can advance against a troop;
with my God I can scale a wall.

As for God, his way is perfect:

The Lord’s word is flawless;
he shields all who take refuge in him.
 
For who is God besides the Lord?
And who is the Rock except our God?
 
It is God who arms me with strength
and keeps my way secure.
 
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
he causes me to stand on the heights.
 
He trains my hands for battle;
my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
 
You make your saving help my shield,

and your right hand sustains me;

your help has made me great.
 
You provide a broad path for my feet,
so that my ankles do not give way.
 
I pursued my enemies and overtook them;
I did not turn back till they were destroyed.
 
I crushed them so that they could not rise;
they fell beneath my feet.
 
You armed me with strength for battle;
you humbled my adversaries before me.

You made my enemies turn their backs in flight,
and I destroyed my foes.

They cried for help, but there was no one to save them—
to the Lord, but he did not answer.
 
I beat them as fine as windblown dust;
I trampled them like mud in the streets.
 
You have delivered me from the attacks of the people;
you have made me the head of nations.
People I did not know now serve me,
foreigners cower before me;
as soon as they hear of me, they obey me.
 

They all lose heart;
they come trembling from their strongholds.
 
The Lord lives! Praise be to my Rock!
Exalted be God my Savior!
 
He is the God who avenges me,

who subdues nations under me,
who saves me from my enemies.

You exalted me above my foes;
from a violent man you rescued me.
 
Therefore I will praise you, Lord, among the nations;

I will sing the praises of your name.
 
He gives his king great victories;

he shows unfailing love to his anointed,
to David and to his descendants forever.

Psalm 18

Tonight I had a nice conversation with a friend while was biking. We talked about her feeling about some situation. From that conversation, I realized something and I want to share this Psalm. I just want to say, "I am blessed"